... the tale... told...

Well it's been quite a few weeks since the eviction, and a lot happened... and not all good, until the end mostly... after the eviction came a few nights in motels, a few nights sleeping in a pet shop, and then in the end, on the street... which was an experience... I knew watching all those episodes of Survivorman would pay off (yes, blanketing yourself in dry leaves really will keep you warm)... I was more worried about the police picking me up half the time, because then I didn't know where they'd take me... I had already seen what a homeless shelter looked like, and didn't stay more then 10 minutes... but it was something to watch how the town emptied out as the night came on, til by 11pm and later I felt like I was walking the streets like a ghost... going from bus stop to bus stop to sit and rest a bit, then walking some more... and stupidly carrying a messenger bag of books and notebooks like old Marley's chains from A Christmas Carol...

My dear friend Janis, who I've known for years now, had asked me to come live with them in Georgia a few months back, and I had said no... it wasn't for not liking her and her family, it was for fear of the trip... I'm 40 years old and I have never been out of New Jersey before... plus, add in my being rather agoraphobic and prone to panic attacks, and you can see how a long trip like that would seem impossible to me... she asked a few times, and I felt terrible turning her down and worried about maybe losing our friendship over this... but the fear inside me was strong... but that last night on the street really turned me, because I felt I could never rise above things again... so I asked Janis if the offer was still there, and it was, and next thing I knew I was on a Greyhound bus bound for Georgia...

The trip was also an experience, a mix of good and bad things... I was on the bus a total of 23 hours, not something I'd want to do again... but if I ever did, I'd leave at night like I did this time, because when the bus takes off and goes dark inside, you feel like you're in a submarine moving thru dark waters, the lights of cities and houses around you like glowing fish... it was surreal, but beautiful... I thought about turning on the overhead lamp to maybe try some writing, but decided instead to just pull out my iPod and watch the world go by, let the images and ideas hit me so they can come out later... keep in mind too, this whole time my body is in high panic mode, alone on this bus with no idea what might happen... it was work to stay calm and in control... but somehow I managed to just stay in my seat and watch outside slip away...

All I had with me was one bag of clothes, a suitcase filled with poetry books, a bag of notebooks and papers, laptop and my acoustic guitar (which I didn't expect to survive the trip, I really thought it would be kindling by the time I got to Georgia, as I only had a softshell padded case for it)... the woman at the desk said the extra bags were gonna cost me extra, more than I had in my hands, so I was almost ready to leave the guitar behind me in NJ... when I asked the woman where I could leave the guitar, she realized my situation and kindly only charged me for 2 extra bags and my carry ons...

... I think the first thing that wowed me was when the bus passed through Washington DC, and I got to see the Washington Monument and Jefferson Memorial all lit up in the dark, and then the bus went halfway around the Pentagon, so I was excited to see these things... Washington is a pretty city at night, and so was Baltimore which was the next one we passed through... when we reached Richmond, VA, I had to transfer to another bus, and this was a slice of hell... no carts for luggage, and no help, and I had to struggle with moving them myself to the right gate and line... and by now my nerves were frayed, and I was shaking from not eating that day... so I managed to buy some orange juice and a small pack of Oreos, tho I could only eat one cookie at the moment... the Richmond station was packed with people, and it seemed they all were lined up for my bus, so I knew it would be tight... but I made it on the bus, and soon we were off again into the dark... luckily by now I was getting so exhausted I couldn't stay nervous anymore, and the rest of the night's trip began to be enjoyable...

... it took most of the next day to pass thru North and South Carolina, and by now we were entering a rain system, so getting off the bus for a short walk was rough... my hips had been hurting me bad from being outside so much back in NJ, and sitting long, when I would stand and start walking I walked like an old man, a bit hunched over and limping... so it felt good to get off the bus in Raleigh and Charlotte, catch some fresh air and get my body working again...

There were a lot of military men on the buses... at first it was mostly marines... but after Richmond, it was all Army, and talking with some I found out they were all coming back from holiday leave to Fort Ben, where they would finish training and then head overseas... it was amazing to sit and listen to them, to watch them... they were all so young, talking about sports and fiances and home, and I couldn't stop looking at them all and thinking how some of them might not be coming back... some would just be in the wrong place at the wrong time and lose their lives... it just gave me a different view than the usual images you see on the news, the soldiers moving in combat or on patrol... and more than a TV show, this was me, surrounded by young men just so normal but yet so commited to go where they were sent and possibly die for this war... it just really touched me during this whole trip...

After reaching Atlanta there was only one bus trip left and that was to Gainesville where Janis would pick me up... I had an hour wait for this one, the longest time yet between stops, so I spent most of it outside the station walking and straightening my back, and sipping at a bottle of Coke... out of six Oreos in my little pack, by now I had only eaten 3, but it was all I could manage, I just wanted to get the trip over with and settle in...

In Gainesville, waiting for Janis to come get me, it hit me that I had made it, and had finally gotten to see some of the country... amazingly the skies began to clear too, and the wind picked up... I got to see my first Moon in Georgia, and was watching it when the minivan pulled up and I finally got to hug my friend after all these years...

And yes, I was stubborn and stupid, I should have come here when Janis first asked me to... I don't make any excuses for my anxieties and fears, but they're strong... and this past year was so mixed up... so much lost, so much guilt and depression... if I were a drinking man, I'm sure thing would have been worse, because I would have drowned myself in alcohol to cope... but it's amazing to me today, to think three days ago I was shivering in NJ, and now I'm here...

... I don't think I slept last night so much as passed out... I don't think I even turned over in my sleep... I only woke up when I noticed some kind of light in the room that I didn't recognize at first as daylight... no matter how I tried I just could not sleep on the bus... the most I did was for about an hour just before Richmond, but after that the ride was too jerky to sleep... my head would start to loll to the side, and I'd drift off for a moment, and then suddenly something would lurch me awake again... I was so loopy I was even seeing things at times, like, I'd suddenly jerk awake and while my eyes were trying to focus I'd think someone was standing in the bus aisle or beside the driver... and I kept imagining I was hearing my cell phone ring when it wasn't... let's just say, the bus trip was a wearying experience, and I doubt I'd ever do it again like that in one big stretch...

But it's beautiful here in Flowery Branch, GA... I've already noticed how much friendlier the people are, and the area is so dark, I can't wait to see what the night sky looks like when a clear night comes along... and Janis is as lovely as her pictures that I've seen for all these years, and her three kids are amazing... it's a beautiful town, and I'm just happy to be here... to rest and heal, inside and out...

I did write some poems during the past few weeks, and I'll get to posting them tomorrow... and I'd love to get back to the children's book I was working on with my friend, Whitney... this should be an interesting year ahead, it's already looking much brighter than it did at the start... cue "A Long December" by the Counting Crows right about now... if you don't know the song, look it up, it's a pretty one... thank you everyone for your wishes and texts and emails to me thru all this... Happy New Year...