35 posts tagged “life”

... here in North Carolina there's a spot in Jay's backyard to the side of the house where little grass grows and it's mostly dusty and rocky... it's usually where I like to stand when I'm out with the dogs, especially in the afternoon and evening, because that area is all sunlit and warm... I crouch down as I watch the dogs run, but the whole area actually takes me back to New Jersey and when I was a little boy and I'd go to church with my mother and grandmother on Wednesday nights for Prayer Meeting... now, the word "meeting" is a boring word to any child - you can almost hear the droning of voices in the background when you say the word - so my mother would often let me stay outside the church in the warmer months and play on the grounds... this was a small church, could barely have held 100 people, it was a little one-story white building with the pastor's house beside it, and it all sat on the end of a street next to the parking lot of our local strip mall... and usually I settled on playing in the parking lot, maybe with a few army men or other small toys, pretending the dust and stones were a desert or alien planet... I'd also watch and listen to the cars passing by on the main road, and I always noticed how deep and green the grass around the church looked in the setting sun... then I'd hunker down again to make piles of stones or grooves in the dirt for my soldiers to battle through... so I keep remembering those days when I'm out there now, watching the dogs stir up the dust as they run past me and listening to the tall grass at the back of the yard whisper in the wind... no soldiers in my hands now tho', just the one in my heart who keeps walking forward while also looking back...

... I'll have to write more about that church since it influence me in so many ways and I have so many great memories about that place from when I was in single digits... our pastor back then was a Mr. Glen Fisher and he was/is one of the men I've admired most in my life... I don't even know if he's still alive, since he left that old church while I was still young, but he did leave a strong mark on me about how a man should live and act... so I'll bookmark today's thoughts for a reminder to come back to them and share more...

... for now, the dogs' are calling me, and it's a cool summer morning...

Onstage at Southbrook Church, Monroe, NC... with my PRS in hand...

... it's a hot and sunny Monday in North Carolina, and I think I had one of the busiest weekends I've had in a long time... Saturday night they had a small BBQ here with Jay and his family and Tara and her husband... then it was more Guitar Hero, lol, I'm trying not to become hooked on that... Sunday morning I went with Jay and his son to hear his wife sing in the church band... it was a neat little church, an outreach branch of a bigger organization, they hold their services in an old grocery store that's been cleaned out and renovated... but it looked great, and the minister was a young man who spoke very well... the band and Danielle did a great job, and then at the end there were some baptisms...

... after we got lunch and then began to get ready for a bigger BBQ for Tara's birthday... I got to meet a lot of their friends and they were all very nice and welcoming too, promising to keep eyes out for any possible jobs they might see out there... I think last night was the best night of sleep I've had here so far as I was really wiped out from the day... and I know I ate way too much, lol...

... today I've been doing laundry and catching up on emails and blogs and such... and the news, I've let the news slip away from me the past few months in GA... and I've been watching the swifts and hawks floating around looking for their lunch... and I think I just might do the same... go look for my lunch downstairs...

And greetings from North Carolina... it's my first morning here and an amazing one... waking up to the sun on the fields and woods outside my window and the sound of birdsong... last night before going to bed I opened the windows to get some air, and they're low, so I knelt down to look out and see the sky... the bedroom I'm in faces south, so Scorpius and Corvus and Virgo were all there, and just as I looked out I saw a big blue-white meteor flash across... my friend Susan calls things like that "God winks", and that is definitely what it felt like to me...

... the trip here was easy, and Jay grabbed us McDonalds for the drive and then we spent the whole time listening to music and catching up and reminiscing... it felt so good to have loud music again, and he and I are metalheads that go way back... we got to his house by 4 and I got the tour and it's a beautiful place, very light and airy and sooooo quiet... his wife, Danielle, and son Connor got home soon and hung out a bit before going out for Chinese buffet... then back here to talk more and play some video games (first time I ever got to play Guitar Hero so I was happy, lol)... then when Jay went to bed Danielle snuck me out with her to a little coffee shop nearby where she likes to sing karaoke... just one song was all she asked, and she and her friend blew the place away... but I sat there thinking how surreal it all felt, to so suddenly be in a whole other state sitting in this crowded place, and just thinking how much change a few days can bring...

... I unpacked most of my stuff, my books and notebooks... got the computer working last night and sent off some "I'm Ok!" emails to some friends, then went to bed... it's been so good to see Jay again after so long, and Danielle who I only met a few times with Jay just before they were married... and now this son they have, who cracks me up... North Carolina is quite a place and I'll be looking forward to seeing what comes next and what this area inspires me to write...

Well the big news of the day is I am moving to North Carolina today... earlier this week I got two surprise emails from friends of mine from New Jersey... one, Jay, I grew up with as his grandmother and my mother were best friends, so we met very young and spent a lot of time together... he was the first person I ever taught guitar too, and we played a lot together and I hung out at his house a lot... the other is Mike, who lived a few houses away from me and my mom in Audubon Park, and he's a drummer and we played in bands for 10 years or more... we had a bit of a falling out at the end, but apparently we both never forgot each other... anyway, Mikey tried to find me but when no one knew where I was, he got in touch with Jay, and together they both tracked me down and found my blog... then came the emails and we shared stories and lives... yesterday Jay offered me a place with him and his family in North Carolina... there are also a few places near him that are hiring, so this might mean I'll finally get back to work again after almost a year... I am sad about leaving Georgia, and unfortunately I'm not going on the best note it seems... but I just couldn't find work here to help out and support myself, and I can't let this opportunity go to earn money and get back on my feet... I've found out I'm not much cutout for using computers all day long as I don't have a lot of skill or knowledge in that area, so I guess in the end I'll wind up in another kitchen somewhere, but at least I'll be working and getting back on my feet... so I'm packed, and sad to go, but anxious about what awaits me now... when everything happened last year I felt like I was throwing myself out into the world not knowing where it would take me... so I guess this is the next gust sweeping me along... I'll write again when I'm settled in and online... take care, everyone, and be safe...

... first, it's been very warm here, in fact, amazingly warm for me for February... up north this is usually the worst month, but it's been near 70 here in Flowery Branch... I took both of my friend Janis' dogs out for long walks yesterday, up and down the hilly roads, past the beautiful houses and still-bare trees, past other dogs barking either out of duty or jealousy... one neighbor had a trio of small dogs he was taking for a walk, and they went wild when they saw us walking by... the man waved and smiled, and I said, "You have a chorus there!", and he laughed... and hawks, there were hawks everywhere... at one time I counted 14 circling overhead... the other week I saw 6 and thought that was a lot... back in NJ, you might catch one, maybe two... made me worry tho, as during my walk I saw some small cats in the neighborhood, and I hoped they were keeping close to houses and watching the skies...

... last evening was soft and warm, and before the sun set, the full Moon was already in the sky above the trees... I went out later, after dark and after dinner, to watch it for a while... the backyard here is so dark, but last night the lawn was laced with the shadows of trees and strips of moonlight... Venus was so bright that I would wager if the Moon were gone it would have cast some shadows of its own... Orion and Canis Major were climbing high in the south... it was so peaceful to just sit out there and take it all in... seeing Orion always takes me back to my hometown, and all those years ago when I first fell in love with astronomy... when I first recognized Orion from the charts in my books, and realized that, from there, the whole night sky was open to me... and now here I am looking at it from another state, so many years later...

... I've been reading a lot of short stories lately... some of my friend's upcoming assignments for her students involve short stories they've read throughout the school year, so the reading gets me acquainted and ready for when the grading begins... Janis also picked me up a book the last time she was at the Mall of Georgia, a collection of short stories by Carol Shields, an author completely new to me... so I've had a lot of reading on my plate between that and the usual poetry books I have stacked near where I nest to write...

... I'm also trying to break into doing some freelance work through Elance... it's a site where writers can sign up and bid on writing jobs of all kinds, and my friend helped me get setup there... so now it's a matter of getting my foot in the door, and building a reputation and some clients there... and hopefully, some money too... though I need to tack up my grammar skills even tighter, so I'm also studying up on that on the side so I can take some skills tests through the site...

... ok, music... here's what's been on my iPod the past few days...

"Trademark" - Eric Johnson
"November Rain" - Guns N Roses
"Fade to Black" - Metallica
"Dirty Movies" - Van Halen
"Lullabye" - Concrete Blonde
"Fall On Me" - REM
"Sorry Again" - Velocity Girl
"Take Me Away" - Blue Oyster Cult
"- Human" - Metallica
"Tier" - Rammstein
"Time's Up" - Saga
"When You Were Mine" - The Church
"Antenna" - The Church
"Turn It On Again" - Genesis
"The Rain Must Fall" - Yanni
(This last one is a must-hear, especially the live Acropolis version, with the long bass solo, the bassist just kills on it!)

... and now it's warm again today... lots of birds out back, and I'm trying to look around online and get to know the birds around here... tho I recognize the cardinals and blue jays and woodpeckers... it's nice to hear the birdsong this morning, during this lull in winter on this quiet weekend...

... can't sleep, so I figured I'd get up and blog... I haven't just blogged in a while...

... I haven't been writing much lately... either I'm going through one of my quiet spells, or I've just been immersed in other things... my friend, Janis, whose home I'm staying in, is a teacher... so one thing I've been doing to help out is grade papers for her... she's an English teacher, so I get to brush up on my grammar while I grade her students' papers... and it's been fun for me, she told me if I see an opportunity in a student's paper to teach or help them with something, then do it... so it's been nice to offer a little help or advice to the kids with their writing... so usually in the mornings I've been doing this kind of work, as my early bird routine still seems to be clinging to me...

... today I went with Janis and a few of her kids to the big Wal Mart nearby... I have to say I'm still impressed with the stores here in the South... they are so much cleaner and quieter than their counterparts up North... like the grocery stores... up North on a football Sunday, I always hated having to go in the grocery store because it would usually be a mob scene... but down here, they're quite empty and there's a calmness there that I'm not used to... and the Wal Mart today was amazing... just very quiet, even tho' there were a lot of customers in the store... it just had a whole different vibe than the ones I've been in up North... and at the checkout, I was helping to put thing on the belt, when the cashier laid her hand on my arm gently and said, "I need to go get some more bags, Sir, but I'll be right back"... and I was amazed, because up North the cashier would have just walked off and left you wondering if she was going on break or coming back or what... so it's been an experience just going to these places and people-watching, something I love to do...

... and I'm still amazed at the night sky here... tonight was cold but very clear, with a crescent Moon just above Venus a ways... Orion was blinding with all his stars, and the Pleiades and Hyades, and Cassiopeia... and I even caught a very bright meteor while I was out there for a few minutes, so I can only imagine what a full meteor shower would be like here... sad that I couldn't keep my telescope, because this place would be amazing for astronomy...

... I finished Stephen King's "Duma Key", and loved it from start to finish... it's classic King... and one of those books I hated to finish, because I wonder how long now til I find something that moves me as much... but I began reading "Heart of Darkness" by James Conrad, and it's pretty good... a short book, so I should be done it this weekend...

... here's a little of what's been on my iPod this past week:

REO Speedwagon - "Out of Season"
The Church - "Paradox"
Thrice - "Melting Point of Wax"
Stone Temple Pilots - "Hello, It's Late"
Michael Schenker Group - "Desert Song"
Squeeze - "Another Nail For My Heart"
Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Higher Ground"
Anthrax - "Anyplace But Here"
The Smiths - "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others"
Suede - "Animal Nitrate"
Overkill - "Skull and Bones"
Rammstein - "Morgenstern"
The Toadies - "Possum Kingdom"
Catherine Wheel - "Tongue Tied Twisted"
Rainbow - "Stone Cold"
Slayer - "Skeltons of Society"
Soul Asylum - "To My Own Devices"
David Bowie - "Loving the Alien"
Otep - "Confrontation"

... you know, I think a lot about poetry and writing... the processes involved... the other day I wrote down a line, just a fragment, and usually that bothers me, when the rest isn't right there... so I'm left with this fragment that I want to use, that I really like, but it has to wait... and I'm reminded of something I read years back... see, I used to read a lot of sci fi, and that was my dream - to be a sci fi writer... but I never had the full patience to do a whole novel, or the belief in myself to do it... anyway, I loved to read articles and interviews by authors, to hear what they had to say about their own processes and thoughts on writing... and I remember an interview with Harlan Ellison, a famous writer... now, I'm paraphrasing, tho I do have the article still in a folder somewhere... but he basically said, Sometimes I have ideas, and I don't know what to do with them at the time... I'm not ready to write them yet... maybe there are things I still need to learn, or need to experience, before I can bring that idea to life... so I set that idea aside, until I know the time is right... until I know I'm ready and able to put the idea down the way it needs to be done... until I have the knowledge and tools to make it work... and I think Mr. Ellison is so right, and that fragment of a poem made me remember what he said... so it's sitting there in my notebook, a lost puzzle piece, waiting for me to find the other 499 pieces to go with it... I don't know what kind of picture it will create... but I do hope I will know when it's time to finish the picture the way it needs to be done... when it's time to give that fragment it's proper home...

Well it's been quite a few weeks since the eviction, and a lot happened... and not all good, until the end mostly... after the eviction came a few nights in motels, a few nights sleeping in a pet shop, and then in the end, on the street... which was an experience... I knew watching all those episodes of Survivorman would pay off (yes, blanketing yourself in dry leaves really will keep you warm)... I was more worried about the police picking me up half the time, because then I didn't know where they'd take me... I had already seen what a homeless shelter looked like, and didn't stay more then 10 minutes... but it was something to watch how the town emptied out as the night came on, til by 11pm and later I felt like I was walking the streets like a ghost... going from bus stop to bus stop to sit and rest a bit, then walking some more... and stupidly carrying a messenger bag of books and notebooks like old Marley's chains from A Christmas Carol...

My dear friend Janis, who I've known for years now, had asked me to come live with them in Georgia a few months back, and I had said no... it wasn't for not liking her and her family, it was for fear of the trip... I'm 40 years old and I have never been out of New Jersey before... plus, add in my being rather agoraphobic and prone to panic attacks, and you can see how a long trip like that would seem impossible to me... she asked a few times, and I felt terrible turning her down and worried about maybe losing our friendship over this... but the fear inside me was strong... but that last night on the street really turned me, because I felt I could never rise above things again... so I asked Janis if the offer was still there, and it was, and next thing I knew I was on a Greyhound bus bound for Georgia...

The trip was also an experience, a mix of good and bad things... I was on the bus a total of 23 hours, not something I'd want to do again... but if I ever did, I'd leave at night like I did this time, because when the bus takes off and goes dark inside, you feel like you're in a submarine moving thru dark waters, the lights of cities and houses around you like glowing fish... it was surreal, but beautiful... I thought about turning on the overhead lamp to maybe try some writing, but decided instead to just pull out my iPod and watch the world go by, let the images and ideas hit me so they can come out later... keep in mind too, this whole time my body is in high panic mode, alone on this bus with no idea what might happen... it was work to stay calm and in control... but somehow I managed to just stay in my seat and watch outside slip away...

All I had with me was one bag of clothes, a suitcase filled with poetry books, a bag of notebooks and papers, laptop and my acoustic guitar (which I didn't expect to survive the trip, I really thought it would be kindling by the time I got to Georgia, as I only had a softshell padded case for it)... the woman at the desk said the extra bags were gonna cost me extra, more than I had in my hands, so I was almost ready to leave the guitar behind me in NJ... when I asked the woman where I could leave the guitar, she realized my situation and kindly only charged me for 2 extra bags and my carry ons...

... I think the first thing that wowed me was when the bus passed through Washington DC, and I got to see the Washington Monument and Jefferson Memorial all lit up in the dark, and then the bus went halfway around the Pentagon, so I was excited to see these things... Washington is a pretty city at night, and so was Baltimore which was the next one we passed through... when we reached Richmond, VA, I had to transfer to another bus, and this was a slice of hell... no carts for luggage, and no help, and I had to struggle with moving them myself to the right gate and line... and by now my nerves were frayed, and I was shaking from not eating that day... so I managed to buy some orange juice and a small pack of Oreos, tho I could only eat one cookie at the moment... the Richmond station was packed with people, and it seemed they all were lined up for my bus, so I knew it would be tight... but I made it on the bus, and soon we were off again into the dark... luckily by now I was getting so exhausted I couldn't stay nervous anymore, and the rest of the night's trip began to be enjoyable...

... it took most of the next day to pass thru North and South Carolina, and by now we were entering a rain system, so getting off the bus for a short walk was rough... my hips had been hurting me bad from being outside so much back in NJ, and sitting long, when I would stand and start walking I walked like an old man, a bit hunched over and limping... so it felt good to get off the bus in Raleigh and Charlotte, catch some fresh air and get my body working again...

There were a lot of military men on the buses... at first it was mostly marines... but after Richmond, it was all Army, and talking with some I found out they were all coming back from holiday leave to Fort Ben, where they would finish training and then head overseas... it was amazing to sit and listen to them, to watch them... they were all so young, talking about sports and fiances and home, and I couldn't stop looking at them all and thinking how some of them might not be coming back... some would just be in the wrong place at the wrong time and lose their lives... it just gave me a different view than the usual images you see on the news, the soldiers moving in combat or on patrol... and more than a TV show, this was me, surrounded by young men just so normal but yet so commited to go where they were sent and possibly die for this war... it just really touched me during this whole trip...

After reaching Atlanta there was only one bus trip left and that was to Gainesville where Janis would pick me up... I had an hour wait for this one, the longest time yet between stops, so I spent most of it outside the station walking and straightening my back, and sipping at a bottle of Coke... out of six Oreos in my little pack, by now I had only eaten 3, but it was all I could manage, I just wanted to get the trip over with and settle in...

In Gainesville, waiting for Janis to come get me, it hit me that I had made it, and had finally gotten to see some of the country... amazingly the skies began to clear too, and the wind picked up... I got to see my first Moon in Georgia, and was watching it when the minivan pulled up and I finally got to hug my friend after all these years...

And yes, I was stubborn and stupid, I should have come here when Janis first asked me to... I don't make any excuses for my anxieties and fears, but they're strong... and this past year was so mixed up... so much lost, so much guilt and depression... if I were a drinking man, I'm sure thing would have been worse, because I would have drowned myself in alcohol to cope... but it's amazing to me today, to think three days ago I was shivering in NJ, and now I'm here...

... I don't think I slept last night so much as passed out... I don't think I even turned over in my sleep... I only woke up when I noticed some kind of light in the room that I didn't recognize at first as daylight... no matter how I tried I just could not sleep on the bus... the most I did was for about an hour just before Richmond, but after that the ride was too jerky to sleep... my head would start to loll to the side, and I'd drift off for a moment, and then suddenly something would lurch me awake again... I was so loopy I was even seeing things at times, like, I'd suddenly jerk awake and while my eyes were trying to focus I'd think someone was standing in the bus aisle or beside the driver... and I kept imagining I was hearing my cell phone ring when it wasn't... let's just say, the bus trip was a wearying experience, and I doubt I'd ever do it again like that in one big stretch...

But it's beautiful here in Flowery Branch, GA... I've already noticed how much friendlier the people are, and the area is so dark, I can't wait to see what the night sky looks like when a clear night comes along... and Janis is as lovely as her pictures that I've seen for all these years, and her three kids are amazing... it's a beautiful town, and I'm just happy to be here... to rest and heal, inside and out...

I did write some poems during the past few weeks, and I'll get to posting them tomorrow... and I'd love to get back to the children's book I was working on with my friend, Whitney... this should be an interesting year ahead, it's already looking much brighter than it did at the start... cue "A Long December" by the Counting Crows right about now... if you don't know the song, look it up, it's a pretty one... thank you everyone for your wishes and texts and emails to me thru all this... Happy New Year...

The balcony looks odd now, with the sunflowers gone... I cut them down a few days back, they were done for the season anyhow... had to do something before I started writing more poems about them... they got their due all summer...

Finished that one short horror story and got it in the mail... we'll see what happens, tho I expect rejection... can't expect much more on the first try...

Didn't do much the past weekend, got tangled in the "House" marathon on USA network... works on me as bad as Law and Order, once you watch a bit of an episode you have to go all the way to see how it ends...

Still reading the book of Poe stories... still managing a few poems here and there... still disgusted with politicians and the whole election thing...

Weather's been cool and rainy this weekend and thru to today... some amazing clouds tho, been a pleasure to watch... gave Moopy a puppy cut on Saturday... she's antsy tho with all the rain haven't been able to walk her much - she tends to hit ALL the puddles if I take her out while it's wet... sleepy now, some new stuff in the morning...

Well, if you know me at all, you know short poems always get me off... so the New Year's been off to a good start for me, it seems... I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem while actually walking home, but I did this morning, the one about the truck passing me by... I just hooked a wish on it's tail-lights as it carried on... tho Virginia or ANYPLACE warm right now would be fine...

I have to say a part of me thought my boss would let me go after the holidays, almost as a kind of "Hah, I got one more Christmas at least!"... but, seems I'm still there for now... tho now comes the long slow haul of the post-Christmas season... when people pay their credit cards instead of buying bread, and their heating bills instead of buying muffins... I give my boss credit tho, he finally raised our prices... we're still competitive with the other bakeries around, but we waited a long time... since summer the costs of flour, butter, cheese and a lot of our other ingredients have gone up tremendously... heck, at Christmas we were paying more than $60 a case for American cheese, and we were using 5 to 6 cases a day to make pepperoni breads and the other specialty breads we make... so cost was hitting my boss hard this season... tho it wasn't a spectacular holiday for us, seems we did alright...

Reading-wise, I just finished a Star Trek novel, one of my guilty pleasures... tho anymore the stories suck... I used to buy every one that came out, but lately I'm more choosy cause I think the franchise has tanked out... it's hard finding good new sci fi books to read these days... and if you've read my blog before, you know I hate when you pick up a book and it's part 1 of 4, or part 1 or 7... I'm tired of series... I wish more writers would write good one-book stories... I say that, but then I'm kind of being a hypocrite, cause my next book is Dune Messiah - I want to reread that series a bit to refresh myself on it... poetry-wise, I've been reading all kinds of things - Bukowski, various Chinese and Japanese writers, David Ignatow, Ted Hughes... just picking up different books each night and settling in...

I do most of my writing on the floor these days... lemme esh-playne... I do have a very nice desk that I love a lot... but so does my cat, Sock... usually when I go in the bedroom at night to read and work, as soon as I turn on the desk lamp, he settles himself very warmly under it, and thus I lose my desk... so, being the animal lover I am, I started settling to work on the floor, leaning one of those chair pillow things with the armrests on it against the bed... I even got one of those breakfast-in-bed trays to write on, and I plug in another desk lamp that I set beside me... it's actually very comfortable... I get the incense burning, and my music is there if I want to listen a bit... so it works nicely... at least til spring and summer come and I can settle on the balcony again in the evening...

Hmmm, how about a little taste of what's been on my iPod these work mornings...

"Seventh Wave" - Devin Townsend Band
"Just An Old Fashioned Love Song" - Three Dog Night
"Southern Cross" - Crosby, Stills and Nash
"Better Man" - Pearl Jam
"Instinct" - Arch Enemy
"She's Right On Time" - Billy Joel
"Mr. Natural" - The Hellecasters
"The New Black" - Strapping Young Lad
"Me and I" - ABBA
"Hallelujah" - Jeff Buckley
"Shame on the Night" - Dio
"The Ship Song" - Concrete Blonde
"Ghostflowers" - Otep
"Run Like Hell" - Pink Floyd
"Jump In The Fire" - Metallica
"Milkman's Son" - Ugly Kid Joe
"Iron Tusk" - Mastodon
"Mayor of Simpleton" - XTC
"Say Something" - James
"The Confessor" - Joe Walsh

Again, a Happy New Year to all my friends... sorry for my rudeness with missing emails and not leaving comments much lately... thank you for remaining my friends.